lifeiswhatyoumakeofit

My father....

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 15:32:14 -0400

So my father is in jail for beating me up……… wtf am i suppose to do?!? I am so scared. I just wanna scream

I'm 19 and recently learned that my father was an alcoholic about 6 months ago. I always kinda knew but I guess I never wanted to believe it until my mom told me that he was going to AA. It still scares me though..

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 13:49:16 -0500

My father has been an alcoholic for about 19 years now and it still scares me to this day. The best advice I can give to you is to make sure you have a good support system. My friends have always been there for me when my dad would relapse or go to treatment I could always count on them. And try not to give up on your dad- Im not going to lie I have given up on my father multiple times but at the end of the day you only have one father.

Training

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 13:27:32 -0500

So this past saturday I passed my physical test for ann arundel police department and I have been on cloud 9 since that day.And my father legit has not told me that he is happy that I did well or anything on those lines. but in the past three days I have heard it from so many more people that I realized I dont need him to say it because I have so many people behind me. I will always love my father but at the end of the day I dont need to worry about making him happy I just need to make myself happy. He will always choose alcohol over his family and I think I am finally becoming okay with that. I am moving towards a better me :D

Photo

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 22:39:47 -0500

Photo

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 22:37:35 -0500

eatcleanmakechanges: just run

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 20:21:37 -0500

eatcleanmakechanges:

just run

Photo

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 23:29:43 -0500

4 and half months out of surgery. Running for 45mins. 5.63...

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 20:00:32 -0500

4 and half months out of surgery. Running for 45mins. 5.63 milies. I think I have almost found my old stride back and it feels great.

Brick Wall

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 18:54:18 -0500

Don’t try to push me down I have a built a wall
Whenever someone tries to become close to me they will hit a wall
Every time you hurt me physically emotionally mental the wall got higher
I try to break down the wall but with you still in my life still hurting me I will always have a wall
I will never be close to anyone due to this wall
I hope one day I can break down the wall
But for now the wall is the only thing keeping me safe.

Scars

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 21:48:37 -0400

Scars
Every scar has a story.
My scars have shown where I have been but not where I am going
I don’t try to hide my scars
I can’t erase my past
I don’t want my scars to show who I am now
They are a constant reminder of where I was
People may judge but I know how strong I am
My scars are my strength to keep pushing forward
They show pain but I know there is hope
Don’t be afraid of my scars because I’m not
I am stronger then who I was
They were once cuts but now they are healed scars
I am now healing as a person

Photo

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 16:05:17 -0400

Its so weird that you have been gone now for 19 years and for...

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 17:18:08 -0400

Its so weird that you have been gone now for 19 years and for some odd reason this year it is a lot harder for me understand on why you had to leave. I believe in everything happens for reason but this year I just want to scream ” This sucks” because you did not deserve this. I dont understand why a 6 year old had to be diagnosed with cancer and then fight for 3 years then to lose his life. I dont understand why my brother had to die. Now more then ever I need him here I need to talk to him because I am terrified of my future is going to be. I am so confused on everything. I just want some sort of sign or clue that everything is going to be alright.

Day 29) Do you follow self harm blogs? No Day 30) Favorite...

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 23:58:50 -0400

Day 29) Do you follow self harm blogs?
No
Day 30) Favorite picture of yourself and a positive message to yourself?
” never give up and no matter what when you feel like you might be falling someone will be their to catch you”

Part 1 of the runners prayer tattooed on my side.

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 23:44:56 -0400

Part 1 of the runners prayer tattooed on my side.

Day 28

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 23:26:03 -0400

Day 28)

Get released from the doctors for my hip and start pursuing my dreams of becoming a police officer,

Day 26 and 27

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 23:33:14 -0400

Day 26) What makes you the most happy?
Running and being outside in the woods alone. It’s extremely peaceful and I am able to have “me” time.
Day 27) Discuss any or all progress that you have made?
Well as of right now I am almost 6mos self harm free and it’s the not the longest I have gone but this has definitely been one of the toughest summer for me due to family issues and my surgery. S hopefully I can keep this up and not give into temptations because there are temptations everyday.

Dat 22-25

Sun, 02 Sep 2012 19:13:37 -0400

Day 22) Where do you feel the most calm?
My brother’s grave and wherever I am running.
Day 23) What is your favorite inspirational quote?
” Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it”
Day 24) What are your main triggers? Why?
Stress and nightmares about my past. Whenever I have nightmares about the abuse I went through when I was younger. It takes me back to a time where I was completely numb to everything around me.
Day 25) Do you know any self-harm statistics?
Not really…. And I don’t want to know

FATHER!!!!

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 19:56:50 -0400

I apologize now but this going to be a very angry message. You were sober for 3 months and in those 3 months we were able to about Scott and get along as a family. But now you are drinking again and all you tell me is that I am not going to achieve anything because I don’t have my brother’s strength or his determination. And he is right yes I am not my brother. But my brother is living inside of me and he is the one telling to keep pushing and fighting. I am not giving up and I am not going to let you drag me down. I will overcome everything and I will prove you wrong!!!! I love you just because you are my father but I will NEVER look up to you EVER!!!

Day 18-21

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 21:47:54 -0400

Day 18) Write a letter to recovered you?
You did it. You overcame all the obstacles that were put in from of you. You are strong and beautiful. Never give up and always be yourself.
Day 19) 5 reasons to recover
Don’t have to hide, not feeling guilty and ashamed all the time, feel happy, feel something other then pain, confidence
Day 20) most vivid memory of self-harm
The first time I ever self harm I can remember the day where I was and what I was thinking but most importantly I remember how disgusting I felt the next day
Day 21) have you tried to stop before?
Yes multiple times but this is the longest I have gone.

I need to explain what running is to me...

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 02:04:34 -0400

Running to me is my safe zone, it keeps me out of my dark scary. Almost 4 years exactly was when I tried to commit suicide. It’s scary to think that I was that depressed and upset with the world. It took me so long to become happy again and running gave that to me. Well now I am completely terrified that I might not be able to run the same again. I mean I am 22 years old and I had major hip surgery.i want to be a police officer but if I’m not able to run then what is going to happen to me. Who will I become? I am absolutely terrified. I need SOME major guidance because right now I have nothing just fear.